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...You Mean Happiness To Me...

her story

i think
Saturday, September 30, 2006

Been sick for the whole day. My head was spinning. Yes. Me getting headaches is a norm. But I hate it still.

And I still even went to Geylang Bazaar with Natra, Sarul, Faizal, Hafiz and Huda. I guess the crowd and the heat was getting the best of me.

In total, within a short span on 6hours, I swallowed a total of 10 Panadol Extra. And my headache is still there. And I can't sleep because I kept on vomitting.

What is wrong with me?

And my cough's getting worse too. I guess it's because of the paintjob they just had in the office. I moved to the reception area voluntarily on Tuesday and on Friday, the town council did the painjob in the reception area because PM Lee will be visit the Eunos Harmony Hub and will be visiting 4PM too.

I was basically chocking at the smell of the pain and somehow, my throat itched after awhile. Despite opening the door ajar, which is against the organisation's policy, the smell is still strong. And at that point of time (only), I was wishing I was in the comfort of the office.

And now the itch in my throat is getting worse. Like seriously.

I need to sleep. I am feeling so weak. But I can't sleep because I keep on puking.

Got to go. I am going to puke now.

*I broke down today. And nobody knows.*

23:58

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

this is it
Thursday, September 28, 2006

I've reach that point where I just can't take it anymore.

I am tired of having to smile. I am tired of having to laugh. I am tired of having to act like everything's fine. I am tired of having to act like I am happy all the time.

Because the fact it, I am not.

Because of the past, because of that stupid dark point in my life, things are the way they are today. And I am hating every single minute of it.

I have a past that I don't want to share. Because it hurts alot, even by the mere thought of it. And it is worse when people who were there to witness the life I was leading before still think that I am the same old me.

It hurts when every single "conversation" you have with them, they will ungkit about it.

Let it go? Forget about whatever they said? It's easier said than done. Try going through this shit for 5 years and tell me if it is easy to let go.

*I just can't handle it anymore.*

00:33

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

alahai...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Work starts at 8.30am in lieu with Ramadhan. Tapi balik at 5.30pm.

The difficult part is the waking up. Usually, I will get out of my house at 8.30am. But for a month or so, I'll have to reach the office at 8.30am.

Took the cab to work just now. And oh. My. God. I hate traffic jam. The traffic is extremely heavy la.

*Sigh...*

I have to survive another 17 more days like this. I ~~have~~ need to.

*Too many unwanted attention. I just wish all of you just go away.*

13:55

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

now i feel free again...
Sunday, September 24, 2006

Too many things has been happening lately.

Today was the first day of Ramadhan. And I didn't go home last night. I spent the night at Zul's friend's uncle's place. Coz the friend's uncle is not in Singapore so we've got the whole house to ourselves.

I don't know why. But it seems like I dread coming home nowadays. I don't know why. And even when I am home the whole day, like today, I spent the whole day in my room. Like, I don't know. I just don't feel like mingling with my family members. Anymore. And there were times I even feel like moving out. But I just know I can't.

Mr. R called just now around noon. I picked it up because I couldn't remember his office number. I don't remember anymore. I couldn't even remember his voice. Yes. I couldn't. I just told him to stop calling me and I hung up the phone. He called again. Twice. And I rejected his calls. Both times. I just hope he understands.

The past is back. Maybe they decided to make a comeback. One by one. And guess what, I just can't handle it anymore. I could just break down and cry.

I am still in a confused state. And nobody will be able to understand. Because to tell you the truth, I can't understand it myself. I just hope things will workout soon.

*My heart was always searching for a place to hide.*

23:01

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Try to understand
Thursday, September 21, 2006

Please try to understand. It's not easy.

It's not something new that I found out. It's not easy to gain respect. But all I am asking of you people to at least respect me when working.

I may be able to joke around and play around. Mungkin aku gila-gila. But I hope that when it comes to work, please do it proper. It's the first project I am leading. And I want it to be a funcken success. Just the first meeting, perangai satu-satu. Even before the first meeting start, you people already made me break down.

It's not easy. I just hope you guys will understand.

That's all.

*The reponsibilities of a volunteer and a staff is different. Please understand my situation.*

23:52

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Wat Do I Wanna Do
Friday, September 15, 2006

Life's been pretty much complicated.

I am tired. I am bored. I am sick of the situation. I am pissed off.

Just let me go. Is it such a difficult thing I am asking from you?

*And for the first time ever, he hung up the phone on me.*

23:09

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Goin Ol' School
Tuesday, September 12, 2006

A date just now. Never enjoyed a date this much nowadays. Was really having the time of my life. I guess time of our lives. And then the phone had to ring.

It was Mr. R.

And my date went, "Matair you ke tu?" and I nodded. His response, "Ok la. I antar you balik."

He sounded sad. So was I. To the both of you: I am sorry that things had to turn out this way.

*Just hold on Thira. You can very much do it. Have faith in yourself.*

22:49

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Such a coincidence.
Sunday, September 10, 2006

I just thought I'll blog about this.

I am no angel myself, really.

But I just can't believe it. One was my schoolmate, and the other was my ex.

Coincidence. Yes. But I still can't believe it. It's a small world. And worst, Singapore is just a tiny red dot on the world map.

Something which is so way out of the topic altogether: I am in desperate need of sushi, Magnolia's Oat Milk, Yakult and Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate. Someone buy for me all these?

=(

*So I can breathe again...*

23:49

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Lovin it to bits
Thursday, September 07, 2006

So many things happened since I last blogged. I don't wish to share it wholly with the world though. Only 4 people knows what happened during my absence in the blogging world - Ain, Jon, Mr. R and myself.

Maybe I'll just do a bit of a recap.

1st September 2006
Thanks Jon for spending 6hours with me doing nothing because you knew I needed someone to keep me sane. Just simply sipping coffee, laughing at people and filing our lungs with things that will definitely shorten our lives.

Thanks Ain for coming down to Simei from town just because of what happened. And then spending time with me all the way till 11pm.

Macam tukar shift pulak Ain and Jon.

*Hmmm...*

2nd September 2006
Met Azie's boyyyyyfrieeennnnd.........

Thanks again Ain for the "romantic" date. Heh. Pizza by the seaside. Walking on the sand, by the beach. Kite flying. Heaven eh. Heh.

And the BBQ food was wonderful during the chalet. Yay. I want more BBQ food.

4th September 2006
SHATEC visit was fun kan.

Met Mr. R.

The rest that happened was, I guess, something both of us didn't expect. And I am sorry.

*Sigh...*

6th September 2006
Ain came to accompany me at the office. After office hours. Because I didn't wanna go home. Yet.

Thanks sweets.

I guess that's it.

But one thing's for sure, at this moment, I just need to stay away from Jurong Bird Park, Singapore Zoological Gardens and Sentosa.

I need sushi. I need a fag. Hell, at some point, I thought I needed to just go back to my old ways.

But why do I want to do that? Though I've not really gone that far, but still, look how I am now.

To Ain and Jon, thanks for being there for me. I really appreciated it. Alot. Thank you so much.

And Mr. R, at times I just wonder how u can just act like as if nothing happened when you jolly well know that those things did happen. And I am not happy about it.

*Why don't you ever want to talk about it?*

19:11

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee

Stop complaining...
Friday, September 01, 2006

It's real funny. When you get Malays complaining abt Malays.

Maybe you should stop complaining about and look. Maybe you should stop complaining and do something about it. Complaining won't really help the Malay community, right?
Who else will help them if not us?

So stop complaining. Get off your butt and do something about it.

Action speaks louder than words. Go figure.

Btw, Happy Teachers' Day to all the teachers in Singapore.

19:21

...i can't wait a moment more...
...tell me quando quando quando...

ThiraMisU Y PhudzLee